Family & Friends

Infertility is hard to understand, hard to explain, and hard to grasp. There is a lot to learn and come to terms with whether you are an infertile couple or close family or friends of an infertile couple. Part of my intentions with this blog is to try to provide one window into this seemingly secret world. I will eventually (probably) change this blog from being invite-only to public. I have a list of reasons why I think so many treat infertility as taboo, but that is for a different post on a different day. And, truthfully, while I have started to open up to you, I’m not ready to extend that to anyone and everyone. I’m not the best example of breaking that taboo, but I promise to try.

One of the biggest steps to breaking down the infertility stigma is awareness and education. There is a great organization out there called RESOLVE which is working on that very topic. Their website has helpful information and I have put the link in the sidebar. My Mom came across a portion of their site this morning which I had not yet seen. It is all about friends and family. It really was very helpful and I encourage everyone to read through it (click here or link in the sidebar).

It opened my eyes to the fact that infertility doesn’t just affect the couple, it affects the entire family. Now that I think about it, of course it does. I’m sure it sucks just as much for our parents or siblings to be surrounded by their friends bragging about their grandchildren / nieces / nephews (or worse – complaining about them) as it does for us. There is so much uncertainty in infertility and I can’t tell you how or when this will end for us. But it will end someday.

A couple of additional points stuck out to me (well, the whole thing did, but you can read it all there).  One, infertility is a medical condition. We aren’t dealing with this because we are stressed out, or because we don’t know how to make a baby, or because God is punishing us. I don’t believe in a vindictive God. Two, the pain of loss and uncertainty is very real. I have tried to tell my self that things in my life could be worse. I’m sure they could. But that isn’t for anyone else to decide or judge. Also, I’m not sure how thoroughly some people have really thought about what if they weren’t able to have biological children when there is apparently nothing wrong. We hold out hope every single month that this will be our turn and we have had to cope with a lost opportunity every single month. As time goes on, it raises more questions about whether this will ever work. Sometimes it really sucks; sometimes we cope by focusing on plans for the next round.

The RESOLVE website mentions that family and friends should ask how they can be supportive. I’ll just tell you rather than making you ask. Trust me when I say that just the fact that you care means a ton. Positive thoughts and/or prayers are much appreciated. Letting us talk to you about it, whether through this blog or over the phone, is a huge gift. Know that we care about and want to hear about what is going on in your life too. Don’t avoid us or avoid telling us news about friends or family. We’ll deal with it. Your support of our treatment decisions is also important to us. I know there is controversy regarding infertility treatments; if you disagree, just don’t tell us. We are trying to create a family here, not conjure up the devil.

Finally, Chris and I have had almost a year to process infertility. We are doing so much better with it, but everyone needs their own time and own ways of processing it. Please let us know if you have any questions about what we have learned or how we have handled something. As for news on successes or failures – assume no news is bad news and we won’t hold out for very long on any successes.

Thank you for your love and encouragement. We’ll get through this.