Infertility is Not Fair

Nobody deserves to go through infertility. Some could have a greater appreciation and understanding of the miracle it takes to conceive a baby, but this process isn't something I wish upon anyone.

I have recently been able to let most of the feelings of injustice go. 

I spent a lot of energy over the past year wondering what I did wrong in my life to deserve this. As if this is payback - karma. Despite all of my thinking I couldn't come up with anything. I feel so happy and grateful to be married to Chris. I am a trustworthy friend. I take decent care of my body, eat relatively well, exercise off and on, never experimented with any drugs. I truly love my family and friends. I am educated, have a good job and a comfortable home. Further, there are PLENTY of people out there who don't seem to deserve to conceive easily, but they do. Why would God choose to punish me while he lets someone addicted to cocaine or someone who is going to neglect their child have a baby? 

Blaming myself is clearly not rational. It is not my fault. There isn't anything I did or didn't do to bring on infertility. Like many of the unfair things in life, it just happened.

There is another element of unfairness in infertility. The vast majority of the fertility treatments fall on the female. Sometimes with male factor infertility the guy has to have surgery to correct something. Other than that, all of the treatments are the female's responsibility. The medications and their side effects, the ultrasounds, the blood draws, the procedures. If we end up doing IVF, I am the one who will have to give myself injections, go in for monitoring appointments every other day, and undergo an egg retrieval. The female also has the constant physical reminders of the process: failed cycles, cramps, medication side effects, injection site pain, ultrasounds, and then the tortuous two week wait where every twinge and itch could be a pregnancy symptom. That said, Chris does everything he possibly can - comes to all the appointments, helps me stay positive, researches with me, listens.

One day I had a revelation and decided that the female burden of infertility is entirely fair. At the end of this process, I plan to be pregnant. I get to grow a baby and give birth. I will happily endure any medication or procedure to experience that gift. All side by side with the most wonderful and supportive husband who would gladly take some of these procedures off my hands if he could. He's even offered to give himself practice injections so he knows how to help me do mine.