Breaking a Taboo

Infertility seems to be one of those things that nobody openly discusses. It makes going through it very lonely. It really should not be this way. 12% of couples will encounter infertility at some point which means there are a lot of people out there struggling with this. I bet there are people I know who are currently silently undergoing infertility treatments. If we don't talk about it, then we miss out on shared information, advice, and support.

However, as infertility is a medical condition, the details and treatments are a private matter. Only the person going through it can chose with whom she/he shares and what information is disclosed.

Redbook just launched The Truth About Trying campain in partnership with Resolve. I am so excited to see this effort at bringing more awareness to infertility. I wish that every infertile couple had the information they needed to make the best decisions for themselves and the support to know they are not alone. I wish everybody else had enough understanding to know how to be compassionate and supportive. I don't expect everyone to just know what it's like to go through infertility, but it would be wonderful if the physical and emotional demands of infertility were more widely known. If you know someone who is going through it, your presence and empathy will make their journey easier to travel. I promise.

I can't speak for anyone else on why infertility is kept a secret. All I can tell you are my thoughts on it and how they have evolved over the past year:

Problem: I wanted to maintain the element of surprise when announcing our pregnancy after the customary first trimester. I think people look at you differently when they find out you are in the "baby stage." I didn't want people's judgements before it was all said and done. Also, if people know that we are trying, then they generally would expect to know of a success before 12 weeks. For me, it is scary to spread the news before the end of that critical first trimester.
Solution: I came to terms with the loss of going about this the "normal way" and just decided that I can't both tell people about infertility and then expect that they don't want updates. This is one of the reasons I decided to write a blog. I will provide more frequent updates, but only when I am feeling ok with it. I think that seems fair. People will know we are pregnant before the end of the first trimester, but that is just the way it is. More people to pray for a sticky, healthy baby.

Problem: I took infertility personally. I felt like I was failing at something I was designed to do and something I had just expected to have ever since I was a little girl. This is the first time in my life I haven't had the power to change my situation by myself. This challenged how I have defined myself my entire life: strong, independent, capable. I thought that talking about it would mean that I was admitting defeat, that I might fail, and that perhaps, I'm not who I thought I was.
Solution: Clear thinking made me come to my senses. No one's body is perfect. We don't know if this is a problem with me or with Chris, but something in one or both of us isn't working quite right. Pretty sure there is something slightly broken in everyone. This just happens to be ours. I also decided that rather than feeling powerless, I should feel like I've grabbed the bull by the horns. We finally sought out the right doctor and are doing everything we can to beat infertility's sorry ass. Besides, weak people can't do infertility. We have had to face something really shitty and decide that no matter what happens, we have each other. We have had to talk about topics that many couples never do. I've had to take medications that chew up and spit out my hormones and deal with failed cycle after failed cycle and still try to be a good wife, daughter, sister, friend, and employee. And you know what? Most days I do it! One last thing - the needles. I can give myself injections now!

Problem: I don't want pity. I can't control how others respond, but feeling sorry for us isn't what I want. Trust me, we feel sorry enough for ourselves for everyone.
Solution: I can't control how others feel, so fugetaboutit.

Problem: I thought that people would not understand. I had NO IDEA what it was like to be "infertile" before this. I was afraid of poor reactions and rude comments/advice.
Solution: Once again, I can't control how others feel nor what they say. If they say something totally wrong or insensitive then I can use it as an opportunity to educate them.

Problem: I was worried that if we ended up with twins, I would have to answer totally inappropriate questions like, "are they natural?" (actually overheard one day in the grocery store)
Solution: First off, what the hell does that mean? Natural? No, I gave birth to robots, but their temper tantrums and shit are very realistic. Second, it really is none of people's business how our children were conceived. So perhaps I should just ask something equally as inappropriate in return, "how many times a week do you and your partner have sex?" or "what's your favorite position?"

Problem: People have moral objections to assisted reproductive technologies, including the Catholic church.
Solution: I'm really not interested in getting into a religious debate. I don't understand why most religions support something like cancer treatment (preventing death), but can't support ART (starting life). We are doing what is right for us and whatever happens as result is between us and God, not anyone else.

Problem: Let's face it: talking about infertility often involves talking about the reproductive system and hormones. Also it's closely related to sex. Topics which make most Americans uncomfortable.
Solution: Why is that? Why are you uncomfortable with it? They are just parts of the body. Just like poop, everybody has them. And I hope everyone has sex too. So I suggest that you just start getting used to the vocabulary. SPERM! UTERUS! OVARY! See, that's not so hard. Try using them in a sentence.